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Cambeltown - the good, the bad and the unworthy.

Writer's picture: IWAS MEDIAIWAS MEDIA

The Author

Mr (Redacted), is an independent writer who is following the IWAS crusade around Scotland. In this post, he shares his experience with IWAS on their journey to Cambeltown, the comments made by Mr (Redacted) are solely his own and are in no way official IWAS statements.


Clambeltown has been on the radar of IWAS ever since the seeds of love were planted in March 2017 on the Isle of Islay. Alas, between people getting sacked, lovers making love and members marrying their customers, it was always difficult to get the club to organise a trip to Scotland’s Monaco.

House prices have been soaring to record levels in Clambeltown, with the average 2 bedroom flat costing the same as 3 pints and a large Twix in Central London; back in 2005 it was only 2 pints and a regular Twix. The team wanted to get down there before they were priced out of accommodation. See photo below for Clambeltown’s luxury penthouses (satellite dishes compulsory):

As a result of IWAS struggling to sync calendars it was left to a small band of workers (many of whom are IWAS members) to make a work trip out of it. Organised by the wonderful Josh ‘Angelina Jolie lips and hips’ Fraser; the voyage was upon us in June of 2019. Billy, Scott F and Josh travelled down to Clambeltown alone. They met Michael Fraser there who had travelled down to sit outside a Coop fundraising for the community. When they found him; he was emotionally drained, tired and soiled. One local informed the party he had been there for days and was constantly repeating over and over again ‘community benefit’ without context. Scott F quickly got him a Diet Coke, Josh got him cleaned him up, Billy got a pint and alas, he was ready to go again.


The group started at Springbank distillery and Cadenheads whisky shop. You could see their eyes light up as they entered the room; a whisky geeks Disneyland. The hospitality was friendly, the dram selection world class and the distillery itself a visual example of how we all imagine Scotch is made. This filthy, dirty, manual distillery were 100% of the barley is floor malted is whisky heaven. The photos below show how delighted the bunch were :


Glengyle distillery (owned by Springbank distillery owners J&A Mitchell) was effectively built to save the Clambeltown whisky region as the SWA laws stated there needed to be 3 operational distilleries to signify a region. This means Glengyle distillery whisky (called Kilkerran) is produced around 8 weeks of the year to safeguard Clambeltown as a whisky region forever more.



The group also toured GlenScotia distillery, but did not leave with glowing reports. I think in this instance, the best thing to do is to keep it simple. Don't complain or moan. Don't slander unnecessarily. No jokes. Just a simple statement...So, let's just make it clear before moving on , the tour was dogshit.


Luckily for the boys, the route home snaked past Oban distillery, part of the whisky world’s friendliest empire, Diageo. Oban is a wonderful town and a well-known whisky in Diageo’s portfolio. It did a fantastic job of processing customers at a rate of speed. It also did incredibly well to inform all tourists how small Oban distillery was. ‘It’s really, really small; this year we won’t even reach 700,000 litres output this year’. We were told it was so small it only had ONE mashtun. IMAGINE! BUT, the real highlight was seeing the sacred ‘photo square’ inside the Oban distillery still house. Thanks’ to the excellent Health and Safety team at Diageo there is now a small square in which to take photos in. This strikes the correct balance between customers wanting photos and customers accidently blowing up the plant by using the Instagram app. I once heard that a Diageo owned distillery in another galaxy was destroyed by a member of staff using his phone inside the stillhouse without his safety shoes on. We never want this to happen in our beloved home planet of earth. That could massively impact on share prices.


Billy’s alcohol levels were running low by this point; so like an electric car Josh had to plug him into the mains at the local Weatherspoons before they travelled back up the road. A wonderful weekend for the strangest and unhealthiest Fantastic 4 you’ve ever seen.

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IWAS | EST. 2017

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